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Baby Names

In light of a certain celebrity couple deciding to name their child after a location, making the child sound like a bus stop, I’m going to have a bit of a rant about names. I’ve never had to name someone, but I figure in nine months, you should be able to come up with a good name. (Before I go on, I just want to point out that I’m not trying to offend anyone, I’m just stating my opinion.)

There are a few things that I hate about some names. For example, names should never have the same sound at the beginning of the first and last names. It makes the person sound like a cartoon character (e.g. Clark Kent, Fred Flintstone, Donald Duck). This isn’t to say that you can’t have the same initials for first and last names, they just have to make a different sound. For example, Stephen Stone sounds like a cartoon character, but Sean Stone is acceptable.

Another thing that annoys me is the spelling of some names. Yes, I know, people want their child’s name to be unique and the hope that will reflect the child’s uniqueness, or maybe the child will become unique because of it. However, you have to keep in mind that the child will have to learn how to spell their name, and then spell it out for anyone who ever needs to write their name, and then learn to just accept that no one is ever going to spell their name correctly. (Also, they’ll never find a hairbrush or key chain with their name on it.) Part of the reason I go by Kat is because I don’t like it when people spell Katharine incorrectly. Therefore, I try to avoid the name altogether (except on important documentation, obviously.) Spelling a name differently causes more problems than it fixes, and if you have to spell the name differently for the child to stand out, you’re obviously picking the wrong name.

A name is used to identify a person, so you shouldn’t pick popular names. Just because the trend is to name your child Olivia or Liam, doesn’t mean you should follow it. You should always avoid the most popular names of the time, otherwise the child will have to be regarded as Ava C in their class because there’s more than one Ava. (Also, spelling the name differently, like Olyvia, doesn’t make it any better.)

Please don’t name your child after an object, such as Apple or Stapler, or even other words like Saint or Chastity. They’re not names. The child will just be bullied because of it. Unless, of course, the word is already a name, such as Ruby.

Some names are cute and obviously baby names, such as Buddy, but can you imagine a 30 year old Buddy (except in Elf)? How the name will age needs to be considered. You don’t want your child having a name that sounds like they’re a toddler when they’re fifty.

Finally, I have a kind of competition going in my head about which celebrity has given their child the worst name. I though Apple Martin was pretty bad, and Sir Carter, and any of Jamie Oliver’s kids’ names, but at the moment that I write this, Bear Payne is winning (with North and Chicago West as a close equal second.) Yes, I know, Payne is spelt differently to pain, but it still sounds the same. Therefore, my final tip is to say the name out loud and think about what words or phrase it sounds like, because you don’t really want your child to sound like they’re constantly enduring agony, do you?

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